I'm prickly. I don't want to be this way, but I know, deep in my heart of hearts that I am. It's a constant battle that I fight, and sometimes I win a battle while other days I lose.
I want to win the war.
A much younger version of myself trusted, and was eager, and then life happened. There were good days, and there were bad days.
Life can be ugly. Very ugly.
When you're young, and dealing with disappointments and traumas and you have nowhere to turn, you learn to cope.
Everyone copes differently. Me? I put on a good face, pushing the hurt deep down inside, hiding it, praying that no one can see. But it's there all the same, and it doesn't go away just because it's hidden. The trust and the eagerness die and the hurt grows.
No matter how much I try to hide it, the hurt rears its head. Sometimes, the hurt turns to bitterness. Daily, I fight these battles. I find it difficult to trust, even when I know in my heart that I can. Words and actions from long ago speak to me.
You don't matter.
You're not worth it.
God's word tells me differently, but there's so much pain, and so much hurt, and how can I trust?
I become dry. I forget to read His words to be encouraged, and I feel stuck, and smothered, and prickly.
And I can't hold it all in, and the seeds are sown.
Not the kind of seeds I want to sow.
I want to sow peace, and love, and beauty.
I try, and I fail. Daily.
I turn to Him in prayer, constantly, begging forgiveness, asking for a clean heart, and a new spirit, and the strength to do what is good.
I know that He hears me. It's why I feel sorry at all. Little by little, I feel the bitterness lift, the hurt lessen.
The process is slow. Painfully so, but one day, Lord willing, I'll be free.
Free to love without fear of being hurt. Free to give deeply, no holding back. Free to be soft, and not at all prickly. It's my heart's desire, to be like Him.
Though I'm unworthy, He blesses me daily, reminding me of His unfailing, unconditional love. I'm so thankful!
Gifts 146- 171:
♥ peas abundant in the garden
♥ meals made from ingredients grown right here on our own land
♥ the change in seasons
♥ the view from my bedroom window
♥ warm blankets
♥ autumn sunshine
♥ time spent with Collin- just the two of us, walking and talking and photographing
♥ colorful leaves
♥ shared candy bars
♥ cool water
♥ new life!
♥ a healthy new mom
♥ helpers galore!
♥ tiny fingers
♥ new baby smell
♥ rosebud lips just begging to be kissed
♥ chubby cheeks
♥ a Christian home that values children and readily accepts them
♥ baby coos
♥ an opportunity for a daughter to learn infant care
♥ celebrating 40 years of my own life
♥ the love of a family
♥ Black Forest chocolate cake, homemade with love
♥ meeting new friends
♥ hiking in the park
♥ a man who loves and pursues me no matter how prickly I feel.
I am blessed!