Monday, October 18, 2010

Prickly



I'm prickly. I don't want to be this way, but I know, deep in my heart of hearts that I am. It's a constant battle that I fight, and sometimes I win a battle while other days I lose.

I want to win the war.

A much younger version of myself trusted, and was eager, and then life happened. There were good days, and there were bad days.

Life can be ugly. Very ugly.

When you're young, and dealing with disappointments and traumas and you have nowhere to turn, you learn to cope.


Everyone copes differently. Me? I put on a good face, pushing the hurt deep down inside, hiding it, praying that no one can see. But it's there all the same, and it doesn't go away just because it's hidden. The trust and the eagerness die and the hurt grows.

It grows.


No matter how much I try to hide it, the hurt rears its head. Sometimes, the hurt turns to bitterness. Daily, I fight these battles. I find it difficult to trust, even when I know in my heart that I can. Words and actions from long ago speak to me.


You're unlovable.


You don't matter.


You're not worth it.


God's word tells me differently, but there's so much pain, and so much hurt, and how can I trust?



I become dry. I forget to read His words to be encouraged, and I feel stuck, and smothered, and prickly.



And I can't hold it all in, and the seeds are sown.

Not the kind of seeds I want to sow.

I want to sow peace, and love, and beauty.

I try, and I fail. Daily.

I turn to Him in prayer, constantly, begging forgiveness, asking for a clean heart, and a new spirit, and the strength to do what is good.

I know that He hears me. It's why I feel sorry at all. Little by little, I feel the bitterness lift, the hurt lessen.


The process is slow. Painfully so, but one day, Lord willing, I'll be free.
Free to love without fear of being hurt. Free to give deeply, no holding back. Free to be soft, and not at all prickly. It's my heart's desire, to be like Him.


Though I'm unworthy, He blesses me daily, reminding me of His unfailing, unconditional love. I'm so thankful!

Gifts 146- 171:


♥ peas abundant in the garden
♥ meals made from ingredients grown right here on our own land
♥ the change in seasons
♥ the view from my bedroom window
♥ warm blankets


♥ autumn sunshine
♥ time spent with Collin- just the two of us, walking and talking and photographing
♥ colorful leaves
♥ shared candy bars
♥ cool water


♥ new life!
♥ a healthy new mom
♥ helpers galore!
♥ tiny fingers
♥ new baby smell


♥ rosebud lips just begging to be kissed
♥ chubby cheeks
♥ a Christian home that values children and readily accepts them
♥ baby coos
♥ an opportunity for a daughter to learn infant care


♥ celebrating 40 years of my own life
♥ the love of a family
♥ Black Forest chocolate cake, homemade with love
♥ meeting new friends
♥ hiking in the park



♥ a man who loves and pursues me no matter how prickly I feel.

I am blessed!



holy experience

11 comments:

jAne said...

(*(*(*(*( gentle hug )*)*)*)*)

... and prayer.

you're loved .. with an everlasting love.
grace covers mounds of hurts.
new mercies every moment.

jAne

tinuviel said...

Lovely thoughts and images. I came here from A Holy Experience. I tend towards prickly, too; thanks for sharing these insights. Belated happy birthday, as well!

Melissa Campbell said...

Prickly pears can be made into the sweetest of jams. That's what God is doing with us. His love is more than enough to bring us through. I wish you much love today--may you feel His Presence near; see and hear Him all around, and deep inside. Blessings!

Becky K. said...

This is why I am ever so grateful that God shared the flaws of his Saints in His Word. Otherwise we would just despair at our humanity. However, He loves us unconditionally and works with and on us....Praise God!

Your gratitude list is beautiful.

Becky K.

Terri said...

Tracy, this actually made me burst into tears because I could have written it myself. (((HUGS))) to you my friend!

The Pennington Point said...

Very good. Open and honest. We all feel inadequate and unworthy at times. I know I fight it. Thanks for sharing, Lisa~

Mary Lou Casada said...

Awesome reflections, Trace! (And the visuals -- perfect!) It's so difficult to overcome when the seeds of bitterness are sown! Two things help me in the constant battle: 1) Knowing the work of the Holy Spirit is to convict and convince of sin. When He speaks, He is specific, and without condemnation. The voice of the Father will tell you exactly where you've wronged Him (or others) and how He wants you to repent about it (with fruit in keeping with repentence!). 2) The Evil One is an accuser - and he is never specific, always pointing a finger in condemnation -- "You're awful; how could you! You make me sick..." The pain according to the Word is to conform you to the image of Christ (sweet jam, indeed! :-D) -- "that I may know him," says Paul in Philippians 3, "and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of his sufferings" (v.10) Always look for what He's teaching you in the pain (am I trusting someone instead of or more than Him? am I looking for the approval of men?), listening for conviction, waiting for the peace of transformation.

Preaching to the choir, here, I know! :-) But I needed this Word! :-)
Blessings!
Mary Lou

Phyllis said...

The enemy likes us to believe we are the only ones who experience there kinds of times but we are not alone. We have all been there. Praise God He shows how to overcome and He forgives. Thanks for sharing so eloquently . You have encouraged me sister. Love you .

Mrs.Rabe said...

I love you!

Thanks for sharing yourself...we are all so flawed...it is so much the Grace of God that allows us to love and be loved!

shelia said...

hmmmm thank you! i needed that just NOW

Amanda said...

Such gorgeous pictures to impact us more with a heart felt message.

Tracy, with a heart like yours, you WILL win the war.

Life knocks us around a bit but I know He is bringing forth gold.

Psalm 139 is for you...

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